so i made a new journal for the hell of it.

its so much more puuurty.

want to be added?

3 reasons why.

be_my_nothing

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

so ya... thats my new favorite song i believe.. how true. :(

I'm home…as if any of you care.

heres my schedule.

comment if you have anything?

semester 1

1. gym

2. chemistry

3. spanish 4

4. US history

5. lunch

6. algebra 2

7. english

8. photography

semester 2

1. algebra 2

2. chemistry

3. spanish 4

4. US history

5. photography

6. lunch

7. english

8. gym

april darling! I didn't make a mean comment. =/ call me?

i shall be gone now for two weeks =/...

miss me?

c a l l if you love me.

so tonight was undescribable.

it was beyond words. amazing.

all thanks to felisha. jay. cory and brett.

i finally met cory ; )

i had such a kickass night.

i felt so ..loved.. i laughed so hard with jay, hes sucha funny gangsta. and it seemed like forever since i had seen felisha.

and me and nathan decided that we are going to try and be as close as friends as when we went out. lets see how long that works out.

as much fun as i had. it put me in more of a bind. a hole.

i am so confused. but happy for once so i am ignoring my problems.

oye. diana is still in costa rica and will be for forever it seems.

well...; ).... goodnight sweethearts

so i'm home now =)

then off to wisconsin next week for 13 days to see my grandpa.

i am so effing excited.

my gramma was all "now your home can see all your friends"

ya what friends?

dianes leaving for costa rica

and it seems everyone else i was close with doesn't even wanna put any effort in hanging out?

like i said in nicoles journal.

i feel like a bother.

i don't think i'll call anyone anymore.

idk…. maybe i'm just being negative?

night loves xo.

ok so tonight was..mixed emotions?

urgh I am so confused. I hate being like this.

I woke up kind of late and had to rush.

got to physical therapy and it made my shoulders hurt.

the rain was amazing though.

went for Chinese with my gramma. yum.

came home and sat around on my lazy ass all day.

britt came over around 4 and then left at 5.

i went and got gas.

thennn.

around 8:30ish? warren & joe called me.

picked them up and went to zachs. which wasn't the most amazing time but.

the ride there was so..interesting..

and then me joe and warren all went to Lou Malnatis to meet everyone.

met up with felisha, christine, dora, jay, jess, diane.

i sat by warren and diane.

i missed nicole though =/

so then. got pizza.

got in the parking lot. that was really interesting.

i was distracting joe & warren. so i was like… gimme a hug

joe gave me a normal hug and picked me up.

warren like grabbed my ass and picked me up and like had me up in the air by my ass.

i was like wth?

drove them home.

came home.

i am so confused about shit now. its pissing me off so much.

with friends and boys. ahhh.

I have court tomorrow really early in the morning, then a fair with my cousins.

then ohio for friday  saturday and sunday

I dyed my hair! no one noticed though =/

call me tomorrow if you'd like. I'm sure I'll be bored.

so I was all excited about tonight.

and then someone who I thought was a really really close friend did something that really hurt me. and I don't think theres a point to fixing it. I wanted too so bad.

but theres no room for me. I can't settle from going to best friends. To "a girl she knows"

you see. sorry nicole. but maybe you didnt clearly get where i didnt wanna be with Sam. maybe you missed the entry. or the 5 times i talked about her. idk. next time i'll make a sign. I'm sure shes great but if you were in my place. you wouldnt wanna be with her either.

so then. after not seeing you for forever. i call you back because you forget to call me back. and we decide today is our day. because i'm leaving. but you wanna invite Sam.

can you not take a day without her? i dont think there has been a time when i haven't seen you with her since.

sorry if she reads this. i'm not that mean. nothing personal.

i love how i'm supposed to be okay while someone takes my ex best friend and ex boyfriend.

i really did wanna meet her too.

she seemed cool. but then i realized how much itd hurt me and i expkained that to you.

so i thought you got it?

but then you wanna show up with her. after we talk about replacing and our friendship and shit.

thanks. your so right! i'm stil sucha close friend. obvio not as close as her.

cause im not pretty & nathan doesnt like me anymore.

sorry. ill try harder at both of those and then ill start liking softball and brandon.

will that help? if she becomes me and i become her will we be friends again?

<b>your</b> pissed?

thanks for making everything so much worse. don't worry though. <b>you still have sam</b>

but then my night got better ...=)

called her and canceled because she was already with a friend already.

idk why when she knew how much it'd kill me to bring her but oh well? prolli better to see her.

I'm sure after not seeing me for maybe 4 weeks it was all cool to not see me anyway.

its all good. Because. she sees her everyday. prolli calls her everyday. she'll prolli go out with Nathan. and it'll be just like me!!!!

I love how some friends aren't really friends.

ya so then after that I was around BK so I walked to meet up with Felisha & Emiko. Went to chill with Warren & Joe & Jerry. at the walgreens parking lot.

lol then Emiko stole the bathroom sign at Steak n' Shake

Joe killed my shoulder. and my lap. lol.

came home and called cory and talked. for a while.. woot!

very good night indeed.

 I'm glad I will be missed by some people=)

the rest of the week. plans.

then friday. leavinggggg.

so you guys..

call me tomorrowwww

so this effin sucks.

I feel emo so beware of this entry.

I'm realizing that once I get close with people- I lose them right away.

problemas.:::::

--Emiko. - I hardly see her or talk to her and we aren't hardly close at all. It's not her fault its mine prolli but I feel like. she's gone. maybe I sound dumb?

--Nicole. - She went to Colorado and we got into a fight. We talked. But then she hasn't called back and forgets. And now she has Sam. That's not bad its just I hate being replaced. From what I hear she's pretty and they seem to be best friends. Always together. And she'll probably go out with Nathan since he likes her so that makes me feel even worse.

--Felisha and Diane I am actually still close with. Have to call Felisha today though.

--Jeremy & Matt don't even say hi online anymore? like wtf.

--Cory. I love talking to him and he seems so cool. but I'm totally not sure if I could handle long distance and that’s what I'm getting pressured into. I am not even over Nathan.

-- Nathan. since we're talking about him. Told me he'd call me back Sunday night. It's now Tuesday. He was supposed to come with me to see someone today. I only keep going back because I miss him. its horrible.

on a lighter note.

oh wait. just kidding.

the damages of my 3 car collision are 3, 000 to my car alone.

that’s if they can find the pieces. they're not sure. its an old car.

so may have to spend tons of money on a new car.

and the cop called because he was apologizing about giving me a ticket I wasn't supposed to get and he said I wsan't concerned at the scene of the crime.

I was fucking crying until the guy I hit started to make me laugh and feel better.

asshole. I hate popos

I think Nathan is bad luck for in a car.

^Robert almost gets a speeding ticket. Nathans in the backseat

^I cause this accident. Nathans in the seat next to me.

oh well.

Wisconsin was fun but it screwed up my shoulder more and now I have to go back to my sling. =/

me & diane got drunk on friday. wow I guess I am an easy drunk.

all I had was.

-crackpipe -ew.

-red bull with yagermiester. I killed the spelling but oh well. that was ew too.

-lmao tequila. diane HATED that. she had worse that time though. some blue minty shit.

-then a beer bong. only a lil though. like 4 beers fit in it. or 6 idk. so I think I only had 1-2 cans cause I stopped. I was already wasted.

not going to do that again. was fun but only a one time thing.

Kentucky is Friday and I wont be back until the 17th.

not like anyone will miss me.

done ranting. no one even reads it anyway.

ugh. i am so pissed off. i just did this entry to fix it because i posted it 3 times lol.  the font kept getting bigger than what i wanted so.

sorry renee =/ i accidentally deleted your comment. this is like the 2nd time i've done this. so sorry. lemme try again

- - - -

so. today was so much fun!

went to britts and hung out there.

went bowlinggg. kicked butt.

hurt my shoulder of course. ouch =(

went to mcdonalds & stayed for 4 hours haha.

came home & walked to my house - jewel.

saw diane. tomorrow = wisconsin with her till monday night =)=)

jer & steve came over. pissed me off so bad. urgh?!?

nicole called. =D sunday she comes home. woot!

soo. Moey just called & he wants me to meet his friend Cory.

he has all these reasons.

i'm kinda scared? lol. eek - yay though.

all for tonight loves <3

- - - -

soo today was kinda boring. oh well.

tonight was funn. alex & diane stopped by.

called nicole and said 'sorry' but she didn't answer.

tomorrow is bowling with moey & britt. yay

might call matthew to come with me. iunno?

so today I realized how I lost so many of my friends.

and how I realized how lately they've been hurting me so bad

I need new ones?

so going to watch 'coach carter' again. lmao. nathan was like. you'll like, we're watching it. and now i do. oh well.

yesterday - taylor street pizza. yum. was weird being there without mike or colin though =/

went to go say hi to nathans mom and talk to her and such. talked a lot about death in my family. she helped me. I <3 her. she's so cool.

found out today… I get to teach ccd class on sunday nights. im excited. woot!wooot!

and for some reason i cannot see any of my friends new entries. i have shellys from june 17th. and none after that.

so if any of ya'll have anything new. comment =)

all for nowww.                                                                                                                         

pssssst..

tonight he held my hand ( &then he held me )

anddddd. happy birthday to me ;)

so i got soaked at the park & i went home & changed.

i wore the shirt that i haven't worn since... yeah...

he totally noticed. he looked at it and then did. this smile -shakes head-

i was like. thank god.

and later i was teased about it. so it wasnt far from his mind.

.....::::if i could only go back in time::::.....

oh how cute. see the icon felisha found for me about nathan.

sigh.

-no comment-

wow. i have like no friends. oh well. i wouldn't be friends with me either.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

why don't you show me a little bit of spine you've been saving for his mattress?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

oh look at her & her b R o K e N heart </3

!

happy
birthday
kristin
=p

<3 you.

i just don't want him to know i care so much. actually. i don't want to care at all.

so today was so awesome. flyers game with nicole.

sad = i screwed up my shoulder again. back to the doctors..  tis very painful

sorry paul. try again shall we?

tomorrow will be a blast with everyone. at least thats what i'm hoping for.

i came to a sad conclusion today. i am not that strong.

you see,  i need someone to miss. i need someone to hold my hand when times are too tough. i need someone with arms to hold me tight. i need some with ears to listen to my rants on the phone. i wnat someone who speaks sweet nothings. i want to be someones. i want a kiss goodnight. i need someone to drag to chick flicks or protect me from scary movies. i want to have inside jokes with just this someone. i want someone who won't lie & will keep all my secrets. i want someone to drive me out of my mind. i want someone i can stare at. laugh at. laugh at myself with. i want someone who i don't have to pretend to be anyone else but me. i want someone who can make me smile for no reason. i want to look over at the things said and go "awe." i want to be awed. i want to be in love. not a one night stand. i don't want to be used. i need someone who likes me for me. i want someone who i can go "ya. thats him."