but i still can't shake these memories

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 22:51:18 GMT

so i made a new journal for the hell of it.

its so much more puuurty.

want to be added?

3 reasons why.

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 06:16:12 GMT

i remember the first time we talked. the silly words you'd use. how you'd say the sweetest things to me. how you told me i was the most beautiful girl you'd ever seen. how you called me all the cute names. how when i was afraid, you'd comfort me. if i was upset, you'd cheer me up. the way we would talk on the phone for hours on end. when my parents weren't home, we'd talk on the phone until i fell asleep. or until you did. and listening to you breath, it was amazing. it was perfect. i remember waking up in the morning and we'd STILL be on the phone. how you'd never hang up on me and it made me feel like i was the most important girl in your eyes. and that's all that matter, i didn't care what my friends thought, because i always had you, and you always had me. you were my BEST FRIEND, i could tell you everything. i trusted you more than i had trusted anyone in the whole entire world. we had hundreds upon hundreds of jokes. i remember the first time you ever said i love you. and how i felt when you said it. amazed you felt the same way as me. i loved the way you shuffled your feet nervously around me at first, but in time we were so comfortable together, being apart never seemed right. if we did fight, by the end of the conversation we'd make up and be so inlove again. i love how you could call me at 5 in the morning and wake me up, and despite the fact i was half asleep, i was the happiest girl on the face of the earth. i love how your profile online always said my name in it, whether it was "i love you" before, or just my name. it let me know you cared, and that was the most important thing to me. i sat online and waited for a buddy alert to pop up saying you'd signed online. i even had a special song playing when you signed on, all because i loved you. i dragged myself out of bed each and every morning to go to school, just to see you after school. but it's not like anymore, you've moved on. and i've tried to. and i have, but each and everytime when it doesn't work out for me, i ask myself, why the hell did i have to mess this up? even as i sit here now, i'm crying. because it's over. i miss you. and even though i still love you, i know you're never going to feel that way again. even us still being friends leaves me crying myself to sleep, asking myself why i was so stupid. i miss you.

just walk all over me

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 05:58:03 GMT

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

so ya... thats my new favorite song i believe.. how true. :(

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 21:56:44 GMT

I'm home…as if any of you care.

heres my schedule.

comment if you have anything?

semester 1

1. gym

2. chemistry

3. spanish 4

4. US history

5. lunch

6. algebra 2

7. english

8. photography

semester 2

1. algebra 2

2. chemistry

3. spanish 4

4. US history

5. photography

6. lunch

7. english

8. gym

april darling! I didn't make a mean comment. =/ call me?

"jumps in bushes"

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 18:43:57 GMT

i shall be gone now for two weeks =/...

miss me?

c a l l if you love me.

so. this boy.

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 06:47:13 GMT

so tonight was undescribable.

it was beyond words. amazing.

all thanks to felisha. jay. cory and brett.

i finally met cory ; )

i had such a kickass night.

i felt so ..loved.. i laughed so hard with jay, hes sucha funny gangsta. and it seemed like forever since i had seen felisha.

and me and nathan decided that we are going to try and be as close as friends as when we went out. lets see how long that works out.

as much fun as i had. it put me in more of a bind. a hole.

i am so confused. but happy for once so i am ignoring my problems.

oye. diana is still in costa rica and will be for forever it seems.

well...; ).... goodnight sweethearts

sweet home ..chicago?

Mon, 25 Jul 2005 06:27:46 GMT

so i'm home now =)

then off to wisconsin next week for 13 days to see my grandpa.

i am so effing excited.

my gramma was all "now your home can see all your friends"

ya what friends?

dianes leaving for costa rica

and it seems everyone else i was close with doesn't even wanna put any effort in hanging out?

like i said in nicoles journal.

i feel like a bother.

i don't think i'll call anyone anymore.

idk…. maybe i'm just being negative?

night loves xo.

i am so out of my mind.

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 05:07:05 GMT

ok so tonight was..mixed emotions?

urgh I am so confused. I hate being like this.

I woke up kind of late and had to rush.

got to physical therapy and it made my shoulders hurt.

the rain was amazing though.

went for Chinese with my gramma. yum.

came home and sat around on my lazy ass all day.

britt came over around 4 and then left at 5.

i went and got gas.

thennn.

around 8:30ish? warren & joe called me.

picked them up and went to zachs. which wasn't the most amazing time but.

the ride there was so..interesting..

and then me joe and warren all went to Lou Malnatis to meet everyone.

met up with felisha, christine, dora, jay, jess, diane.

i sat by warren and diane.

i missed nicole though =/

so then. got pizza.

got in the parking lot. that was really interesting.

i was distracting joe & warren. so i was like… gimme a hug

joe gave me a normal hug and picked me up.

warren like grabbed my ass and picked me up and like had me up in the air by my ass.

i was like wth?

drove them home.

came home.

i am so confused about shit now. its pissing me off so much.

with friends and boys. ahhh.

I have court tomorrow really early in the morning, then a fair with my cousins.

then ohio for friday saturday and sunday

I dyed my hair! no one noticed though =/

call me tomorrow if you'd like. I'm sure I'll be bored.

way down yonder

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 06:22:35 GMT

i'm back. !

dianes here.

my trip was fun.

i miss everyone now though

new friends from alabama =)

today::

woke up & showered

physical therapy 4-6:30

saw steve at jewel. met dave.

picked up diana.

went to matthew & jers but they were both working.

went to the mall to visit matthew.

saw paul, nicole, kat, kelly & sandra

shopped a lil. got starbucks & coldstone.

saw julian and patrick.

went to anthonys house. got a lil lost.. more than a lil too..

left to meet up with scott & hojo ( hawt ) & nick a.

went to mcdees & then the park by meineke

lmao went up the hill and on the spinning things.

hojo had like 15 cigarettes and couldnt even run.

he was so effing hilarious wow.

we all called him smoker. tsk tsk. its ok. we all tried to stop him.

then we ran through the sprinklers.

then we went & they ripped my car sticker thing =/

diane told me in the car how much fun she had =) cough cough

we went gas station and white hen hunting for a sticker.

got her shizzz and now shes at my house

this week::

diana & i are going to the mall for major shopping

and also lou malnatis on friday

tomorrow i am helping my mom move from one hotel to another

hopefully not for long cause i wanna do something afterwords

matthew and i have a day to hang out

and me & jer and steve too

and of course me and felisha : )

since i missed her like crazzzzzzzzy yo

anddd. thursday is my court date & the fair i go to with my cousins.

maybe my cousins in wisc. this weekend?

and i wanna see dave too.

brandon and i decided to make plans soon.

then physical therapy. mon/wednes/fri.

wow. i feel like i have friends lmao.

i hope i have time for all this

edit::::::: I have to hang out with emiko too ;)

y o u

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 07:52:35 GMT

tonight was amazing

I love you felisha haha

not a lot of people know why =)

felisha.emiko.jerry.diane.john.zack.

and warren….

so I thought today would be sad. because someone did ditched me =/

but I am so glad they did =P

i leave soon.for 9 days. woot.woot!

diane is sleeping while I’m packing.

tomorrow shall be more fun!

she can be your new best friend. if she isn't already.

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 05:04:31 GMT

so I was all excited about tonight.

and then someone who I thought was a really really close friend did something that really hurt me. and I don't think theres a point to fixing it. I wanted too so bad.

but theres no room for me. I can't settle from going to best friends. To "a girl she knows"

you see. sorry nicole. but maybe you didnt clearly get where i didnt wanna be with Sam. maybe you missed the entry. or the 5 times i talked about her. idk. next time i'll make a sign. I'm sure shes great but if you were in my place. you wouldnt wanna be with her either.

so then. after not seeing you for forever. i call you back because you forget to call me back. and we decide today is our day. because i'm leaving. but you wanna invite Sam.

can you not take a day without her? i dont think there has been a time when i haven't seen you with her since.

sorry if she reads this. i'm not that mean. nothing personal.

i love how i'm supposed to be okay while someone takes my ex best friend and ex boyfriend.

i really did wanna meet her too.

she seemed cool. but then i realized how much itd hurt me and i expkained that to you.

so i thought you got it?

but then you wanna show up with her. after we talk about replacing and our friendship and shit.

thanks. your so right! i'm stil sucha close friend. obvio not as close as her.

cause im not pretty & nathan doesnt like me anymore.

sorry. ill try harder at both of those and then ill start liking softball and brandon.

will that help? if she becomes me and i become her will we be friends again?

<b>your</b> pissed?

thanks for making everything so much worse. don't worry though. <b>you still have sam</b>

but then my night got better ...=)

called her and canceled because she was already with a friend already.

idk why when she knew how much it'd kill me to bring her but oh well? prolli better to see her.

I'm sure after not seeing me for maybe 4 weeks it was all cool to not see me anyway.

its all good. Because. she sees her everyday. prolli calls her everyday. she'll prolli go out with Nathan. and it'll be just like me!!!!

I love how some friends aren't really friends.

ya so then after that I was around BK so I walked to meet up with Felisha & Emiko. Went to chill with Warren & Joe & Jerry. at the walgreens parking lot.

lol then Emiko stole the bathroom sign at Steak n' Shake

Joe killed my shoulder. and my lap. lol.

came home and called cory and talked. for a while.. woot!

very good night indeed.

I'm glad I will be missed by some people=)

the rest of the week. plans.

then friday. leavinggggg.

so you guys..

call me tomorrowwww

so i guess i'm moving on without you

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 19:17:53 GMT

so this effin sucks.

I feel emo so beware of this entry.

I'm realizing that once I get close with people- I lose them right away.

problemas.:::::

--Emiko. - I hardly see her or talk to her and we aren't hardly close at all. It's not her fault its mine prolli but I feel like. she's gone. maybe I sound dumb?

--Nicole. - She went to Colorado and we got into a fight. We talked. But then she hasn't called back and forgets. And now she has Sam. That's not bad its just I hate being replaced. From what I hear she's pretty and they seem to be best friends. Always together. And she'll probably go out with Nathan since he likes her so that makes me feel even worse.

--Felisha and Diane I am actually still close with. Have to call Felisha today though.

--Jeremy & Matt don't even say hi online anymore? like wtf.

--Cory. I love talking to him and he seems so cool. but I'm totally not sure if I could handle long distance and that’s what I'm getting pressured into. I am not even over Nathan.

-- Nathan. since we're talking about him. Told me he'd call me back Sunday night. It's now Tuesday. He was supposed to come with me to see someone today. I only keep going back because I miss him. its horrible.

on a lighter note.

oh wait. just kidding.

the damages of my 3 car collision are 3, 000 to my car alone.

that’s if they can find the pieces. they're not sure. its an old car.

so may have to spend tons of money on a new car.

and the cop called because he was apologizing about giving me a ticket I wasn't supposed to get and he said I wsan't concerned at the scene of the crime.

I was fucking crying until the guy I hit started to make me laugh and feel better.

asshole. I hate popos

I think Nathan is bad luck for in a car.

^Robert almost gets a speeding ticket. Nathans in the backseat

^I cause this accident. Nathans in the seat next to me.

oh well.

Wisconsin was fun but it screwed up my shoulder more and now I have to go back to my sling. =/

me & diane got drunk on friday. wow I guess I am an easy drunk.

all I had was.

-crackpipe -ew.

-red bull with yagermiester. I killed the spelling but oh well. that was ew too.

-lmao tequila. diane HATED that. she had worse that time though. some blue minty shit.

-then a beer bong. only a lil though. like 4 beers fit in it. or 6 idk. so I think I only had 1-2 cans cause I stopped. I was already wasted.

not going to do that again. was fun but only a one time thing.

Kentucky is Friday and I wont be back until the 17th.

not like anyone will miss me.

done ranting. no one even reads it anyway.

& it's in the way he holds her

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 04:10:16 GMT

ugh. i am so pissed off. i just did this entry to fix it because i posted it 3 times lol. the font kept getting bigger than what i wanted so.

sorry renee =/ i accidentally deleted your comment. this is like the 2nd time i've done this. so sorry. lemme try again

- - - -

so. today was so much fun!

went to britts and hung out there.

went bowlinggg. kicked butt.

hurt my shoulder of course. ouch =(

went to mcdonalds & stayed for 4 hours haha.

came home & walked to my house - jewel.

saw diane. tomorrow = wisconsin with her till monday night =)=)

jer & steve came over. pissed me off so bad. urgh?!?

nicole called. =D sunday she comes home. woot!

soo. Moey just called & he wants me to meet his friend Cory.

he has all these reasons.

i'm kinda scared? lol. eek - yay though.

all for tonight loves <3

- - - -

& you hurt me cause you love too

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 02:50:36 GMT

soo today was kinda boring. oh well.

tonight was funn. alex & diane stopped by.

called nicole and said 'sorry' but she didn't answer.

tomorrow is bowling with moey & britt. yay

might call matthew to come with me. iunno?

so today I realized how I lost so many of my friends.

and how I realized how lately they've been hurting me so bad

I need new ones?

so going to watch 'coach carter' again. lmao. nathan was like. you'll like, we're watching it. and now i do. oh well.

yesterday - taylor street pizza. yum. was weird being there without mike or colin though =/

went to go say hi to nathans mom and talk to her and such. talked a lot about death in my family. she helped me. I <3 her. she's so cool.

found out today… I get to teach ccd class on sunday nights. im excited. woot!wooot!

and for some reason i cannot see any of my friends new entries. i have shellys from june 17th. and none after that.

so if any of ya'll have anything new. comment =)

all for nowww.

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 03:48:42 GMT

pssssst..

tonight he held my hand ( &then he held me )

anddddd. happy birthday to me ;)

remember this?

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 04:16:42 GMT

so i got soaked at the park & i went home & changed.

i wore the shirt that i haven't worn since... yeah...

he totally noticed. he looked at it and then did. this smile -shakes head-

i was like. thank god.

and later i was teased about it. so it wasnt far from his mind.

.....::::if i could only go back in time::::.....

tonight is all about I miss you

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 19:18:53 GMT

wow. i have like no friends. oh well. i wouldn't be friends with me either.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

why don't you show me a little bit of spine you've been saving for his mattress?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

oh look at her & her b R o K e N heart </3

wow. i just had to edit this. it said the date was the 28th. nathans birthday. how conincidental?

kristin of course yo

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 07:17:34 GMT

happy
birthday
kristin
=p

<3 you.

write me off, give up on me

Sat, 11 Jun 2005 05:17:40 GMT

i just don't want him to know i care so much. actually. i don't want to care at all.

so today was so awesome. flyers game with nicole.

sad = i screwed up my shoulder again. back to the doctors.. tis very painful

sorry paul. try again shall we?

tomorrow will be a blast with everyone. at least thats what i'm hoping for.

i came to a sad conclusion today. i am not that strong.

you see, i need someone to miss. i need someone to hold my hand when times are too tough. i need someone with arms to hold me tight. i need some with ears to listen to my rants on the phone. i wnat someone who speaks sweet nothings. i want to be someones. i want a kiss goodnight. i need someone to drag to chick flicks or protect me from scary movies. i want to have inside jokes with just this someone. i want someone who won't lie & will keep all my secrets. i want someone to drive me out of my mind. i want someone i can stare at. laugh at. laugh at myself with. i want someone who i don't have to pretend to be anyone else but me. i want someone who can make me smile for no reason. i want to look over at the things said and go "awe." i want to be awed. i want to be in love. not a one night stand. i don't want to be used. i need someone who likes me for me. i want someone who i can go "ya. thats him."

Thu, 09 Jun 2005 04:14:43 GMT

today was funnn cept math.that was scurrry,

this morning i got a coffee though =). wooo! came home and my horoscope said not to think too much todau becuase my imagination will take a nosedive. a bad one. so it said i should walk. so i called up felisha and we walked. dropped her off. came home. my grandpas back home =D. yayy. watched beginning-midde of vanilla sky. it was werid. then felisha came over. nick&emiko came over. we all went to nicoles. Sat there and through pennies at each other. cept i suck at throwing. Went to gameworks. saw al. twas cool. hes so fucking amazing at ddr. haven't seen him in a while. left. missed brandon.oh well. went to the water park. me&nicole&emiko&nick had sand wars. nick got it in my bra. thanks buddy. then we had water wars. we were so soaked. it was so fun lol. so then we dried out in the parking lot. drove nick home. went to taco bell & got caramel empandas. yum. then felisha drove me home.

lets clear this up now. cause some people i guess got confused. i don't like liars. so don't fucking talk to me if everything coming out of your mouth is shit.

i hate when people don't call back.
i hate how its out with the old and in with the new
i hate how sometimes you cannot change your mind
i hate when people hurt me and don't care. or do yet continue too.
i hate how i have to initate things. like all the fucking time.
i hate what cell phones represent.
i hate how hearts are so overrated.
i hate how i'm so damn good as acting like nothings ok. today in the beginning. no one even noticed me cry.
i hate the heat and summer. and the longer days.

most of all. i hate how. love just isn't in the books for me i guess. oh well. i should be used to being lonely.

so i started this entry happy. but now it got me thinking. and i'm back to being pissed. fucker...

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 04:32:33 GMT

tomorrow::::

math final. 2nd hour..plans after school-anyone?

thursday::::

earth science&spanish final. lunch with grampa in the middle. after school= hanging with felisha&anthony i think. well felisha just asked me so i'll have to get back to her.

friday::::

english&world history final. start of summa yo =) plans with paul after school =)

saturday::::

THE PARTY =) =) =)

so. boys suck. and 15 days till my license/birthday. woot.

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 03:58:20 GMT

motherfucker.

my plans are always ruined.

doctor says. "oh, youll need to visit a bone specialist"

so next tuesday i have to go at 1 oclock.

what they think happened?

fracture. unknown whether shoulder or arm is currently dislocated. possible tear of joint that connects the 3 shoulder bones. needs x-rays. should see bone specialist soon. needs probably surgery or physical therapy. wear sling until doctor (bone doctor) relieves you ice frequently. pain may become intense. do not try and re connect arm. possible broken bones in right shoulder.

thats the note from my doctor to bone doctor and to us. so we know what to do and the new doctor knows whats wrong..

how. cute.

get to see felisha tomorrow if shes outta the hospital...i hope?

smile dear

Mon, 30 May 2005 05:51:03 GMT

happy

birthday

matthew

such an old man. oh well. l o v e y o u

no white flags.

Sun, 29 May 2005 17:41:55 GMT

i know you think that i don't i love you but i do. It may be hard sometimes with you but i do. I wonder all the time why you do this to us? Why you always make promises you can't keep or why it seems your friends are more important. And i may act mean and I may swear or scream but its all an act. because then i'm up all night crying in my pillow. You look at is a slow suicide, you may have wanted it but what about everyone who is affected by it. I know you distant yourself. Thats why you don't come home, just a few texts a week. I know, lots of times we fight and plans are canceled. but thats so expected with you. I know that when I get yelled at i get the "your just like her". I know that you are everything i will promise not to be. I know because i see the hurt you cause. And none of it can be solved with a bandaid. I don't know what went wrong. but I just like you to know that i do love you. And i may hate you as a person but i love you because you're my mother. and now. when we bury you, i have everything sorted out. There will be nothing left to say. I promised you i would graduate highschool and I will. And you'll be with me on that day too, you will always be with me. I will always carry the memories of us. The good ones. How it used to be. I wish you could've done it differently yet i know you regret it now. And i promise i will take care of them. i've decided i don't want to fight anymore. not much time left. i don't understand why you are the way you are. I don't understand how you are as a person. as a mother. but i accept it. Becauase that's all i can do to keep from going crazy.

so today. if you do come to the party and i happen to see you- don't fight me. i am not giving up.

we will be putting you in the ground soon but a part of you won't ever leave my side.

Sun, 29 May 2005 06:02:55 GMT

new people yo. cept for felisha and nicole.

nick
kelsey
bernie
bryan
jaime
dave
amber
ray
nicole
meg
brandon
al
gina
paul c
nicole w
felisha
warren
joe
ricky
steve m

Is #9 a boy or a girl? girl
Would #1 and #2 make a cute couple? maybe. but kelsey already has a boy. named nick actually. werid eh?
How about #18 and #4? don't think so. well. I know Bryan and he'd be like hell no. and Joe. well he's Emikos. thats all i know.
What grade is #17 in? freshmen
When was the last time you talked to #12? online 2 ..on friday
What is #6's favorite band? i know he likes john mayor. ugh. and lynard skynard tho =)
Does #1 have any siblings? yes. a sister
Would you ever date #3? nopppe. i go for guys.
Would you ever date #7? same as above.
Is #16 single? fo sho she is.
What's #15's last name? wilson
What's #10's middle name? marie.
What's #5's favorite thing to do? be around music.
Is #13 hot? course.
Would #14 and #19 make a good couple? lol i think Paul already has a good relationship going.
What school does #20 go to? Conant
Tell me a random fact about #11: he likes rap. thinks hes the shit too.
And #1: he paintballs
And #3: she lives in west chicago
Have you ever had a crush on #15? nopppe.
Where does #9 live? Conant
What's #4's favorite color? black or blue
Would you makeout with #14? naw just a friend.
Are #5 & #6 best friends? nope. they know each other though.
Does #7 like #20? lmao i think she did a few weeks ago.
Does #8 like #19? no no.
How did you meet #2? ccd
How did you meet #18? through emiko and felisha.
Does #10 have any pets? yuup. 2 doggies.
Is #12 older than you? noppe
Is # 17 the sexiest person alive, or what? he is puuurrty sexy but. no. "it" is the sexiest."it" is god. lmao.

ha. some of these people. haven't talked to in months. some of them. haven't said more than 3 sentences too.i need friends lol